Growth...

For the first time in a long time I can see the direction that my life needs to go. I have grown in ways I couldn't have imagined but have stood still when it comes to love. I’m now starting to see the type of love that I need but I’m unsure if the person I love is willing to provide. I’m not one to use the term “do this or else” but I am tired of half-assing my relationship. I need a strong commitment. I need to know at the end of the day despite all differences you have my back and at this time I don’t have that. I know it’s possible to achieve, that’s why I still have faith in this relationship but I don’t feel the effort in our love. So what do I do…
I thought about going head first with my plan and pray she follows but that’s our problem now we both are in our own worlds dealing with our own problems and not listening to each other. Part of me want to just sit down and put everything out on the table and say look…by this date if we are not coming together then it’s best that we grow apart BUT we been there and done that and that didn’t work.
When you think of the perfect love you think of peace, harmony, comfort, and growth. We have none of the above. We have headaches, broken promises, bruises and frustration. Is this a perfect love in progress or love gone wrong? I’m serious…I need help. I even started seeing a counselor just so I can start understanding my feelings and my needs.
It’s time for us to get real because neither of us is getting younger and I’m tired of fighting!!!

People…

You will always have people in your life…
You will have people that give and people that take…
You will have people that are real and people that are fake…
You will have those that will smile in your face but quick to stab you in your back…
You will have some that are good at giving advice but horrible at taking it back…
You will find that some are good at talking but never really have a plan…
Some will come into your life for only a season and disappear before planned…
Some people tend to get miss-categorized “lover or friend”…
You will run into those that only want to hurt you because you’re not part of their plan…
Then there are those that are encouraging and hold you up when you fall…
Then it’s the people that love you unconditionally and always there to share positive energy…
You will have two types of people in your life…those you keep and those you keep at arm’s length…

Refreshed…

I had a hard night and I did something that I said I wouldn’t do. I sent an email that I said I wouldn’t send. I was praying that it would just go to junk mail and that she would never see it and never respond. I was fighting with myself feeling emotions that I know are ok to feel but want to be numb to. I played the fool for so long losing myself in these meaningless relationships with people that are selfish in their own way. I got something from every experience and I’m still moving. I’m still forgiving and I don’t know why I let things that I can’t change bother me so. I’m not going to fight with myself anymore. I’m going to let my emotions flow. It’s all about healing and if I hide them I’m just patching up wounds to be reopened by someone new. WOW…if that wasn’t an epiphany moment!
It is now time for me to enjoy life and experience new things and live life to the fullest. I’m not getting any younger and I want to see the world and eat food that I have never eaten before. It’s time for me to grow spiritually and mentally. I want to open myself up to positive things meditate on serving a higher purpose. I thought secluding myself would help me through this but I couldn't have been more wrong. My tears may flow but that’s ok. My heart may hurt but that’s ok if I didn’t have these emotions then I wouldn’t be human. We have battles that we may not win but how we fight is what counts. When you fall down you get back up. Scars fade and broken hearts heal…tears flow at night but JOY comes in the morning.
Love,
LaTicia

Let me tell you a little story...

It was once a little Texas girl who meets a smooth talker from NY. This NY person swept the Texas girl off her feet. The Texas girl was deep in love with the NY person. Would have done anything in the world for them… Once they decided to move to ATL and start a new life together things started to fall apart. The communication fail apart one thought they was given more than the other. They started to fight constantly and all faith in love was shriveled up and slowly withered away. Now could the situation have gotten better once the kinks were worked out? Yes. But when the one you love gives up on you there is no fixing the situation. You got to take the pain and keep it moving. My heart my never be 100% ever again but I am a much stronger person and I will be more cautions of who I give my heart to.

Thinking differently…

I had a real talk last night with one of the most unlikely person to get to me. It was tough love and I needed it.  I’m not a lost cause or hopeless. When you hit rock bottom you pick yourself up and you come back harder. That’s what I’m going to do…I fail off but I’m getting back on my horse and I’m going to put my foot in this thing. I was blindsided…stuck in sucker mode…deep in love with the idea of being in love. One thing that is 100% true love shouldn’t hurt and if it does you need to reevaluate the situation. When you find yourself crying over silly shit and feeling like you are less than a queen then it’s time to make moves. I’m a beautiful woman with a passion to be the best at whatever I do and that sprit was sucked from me because I was hit with so much negativity. It was coming from all over. I was getting it at home I was getting it from the family. Everywhere I turned someone had an opinion and no one had a solution. I regret nothing and have learned so much about myself in the last year. I can go into 2011 knowing I’m going to be in a much better place with doors opening for me. I’m going to do what I came down here to do. I’m so cool now and watch me blossom into the queen that I am!!!!

December 20, 2010

Today I am 32yrs old. I’m freshly single and trying very hard to keep my head up. I’m trying not to look at what could have been and what it really is. I’m not too excited about the holidays I guess that’s why I don’t care much about spending them alone. It sucks when you say I’m doing well and you really want to say shit sucks right now. All of a sudden my apartment is looking too big. My eyes are constantly filling up with tears and my body is feeling the stress from lack of sleep. Now I know this will soon get better with time but I need to feel better right now. I have so much to be happy and thankful for and I can’t seem to grasp that and enjoy it. My head and my heart is someplace else and it makes everything good seem non-existent. I would give anything for this feeling to go away and I can continue with life as normal. I would give anything to really enjoy my birthday. I’m really trying to get back into my zone but every day that passes it gets harder and harder. I use to be optimistic thinking that things will get better on its own but I’m starting to realize I’m going to have to put work in. Time heals all wounds and pain does fade away with time but I seem to have too much of that right now.

Had a moment...

I had a moment last night where I felt like I couldn’t make it. My heart hurt so badly and the tears flowed uncontrollably. I was alone and shaking. I think God for my Guardian Angel (Kali). If it was not for her I would have laid there all night beating myself up because I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Yes my relationship failed because I couldn’t give her what she needed 100% but I can’t carry that full burden around with me. It comes a time where you have to accept responsibility for your own actions. You can’t always blame other people for the position that you’re in. 9 times out of 10 you’re in a bad position because of the choices that you made. You can’t continue to treat people like they are just a tool to get to the next step in your life. One day you’re going to have to sit down and accept responsibility for what you have done to others. In your mind you are always right because you are honestly selfish. She said I never considered her feelings and what she was going through. If that was true I would have walked out the day she called me out my name. I wouldn’t have tried to fix everything that she had a problem with. I wouldn’t have held all my hurt in. I would have walked out the door the first time I packed my things. I listen to everything she had to say and God knows I tired. My best was never good enough and then caring all that pain around knowing I was working towards nothing made it even worst.  She walked out on me and left me with $4.00. It was mint to be an insult but honestly it was a lesson learned. My heart may never fully heal from this but it will teach me how to just be alone. That was the best advice I could have been given. I don’t need to have someone on my side to be completed. I can complete myself.