People…

You will always have people in your life…
You will have people that give and people that take…
You will have people that are real and people that are fake…
You will have those that will smile in your face but quick to stab you in your back…
You will have some that are good at giving advice but horrible at taking it back…
You will find that some are good at talking but never really have a plan…
Some will come into your life for only a season and disappear before planned…
Some people tend to get miss-categorized “lover or friend”…
You will run into those that only want to hurt you because you’re not part of their plan…
Then there are those that are encouraging and hold you up when you fall…
Then it’s the people that love you unconditionally and always there to share positive energy…
You will have two types of people in your life…those you keep and those you keep at arm’s length…

Refreshed…

I had a hard night and I did something that I said I wouldn’t do. I sent an email that I said I wouldn’t send. I was praying that it would just go to junk mail and that she would never see it and never respond. I was fighting with myself feeling emotions that I know are ok to feel but want to be numb to. I played the fool for so long losing myself in these meaningless relationships with people that are selfish in their own way. I got something from every experience and I’m still moving. I’m still forgiving and I don’t know why I let things that I can’t change bother me so. I’m not going to fight with myself anymore. I’m going to let my emotions flow. It’s all about healing and if I hide them I’m just patching up wounds to be reopened by someone new. WOW…if that wasn’t an epiphany moment!
It is now time for me to enjoy life and experience new things and live life to the fullest. I’m not getting any younger and I want to see the world and eat food that I have never eaten before. It’s time for me to grow spiritually and mentally. I want to open myself up to positive things meditate on serving a higher purpose. I thought secluding myself would help me through this but I couldn't have been more wrong. My tears may flow but that’s ok. My heart may hurt but that’s ok if I didn’t have these emotions then I wouldn’t be human. We have battles that we may not win but how we fight is what counts. When you fall down you get back up. Scars fade and broken hearts heal…tears flow at night but JOY comes in the morning.
Love,
LaTicia

Let me tell you a little story...

It was once a little Texas girl who meets a smooth talker from NY. This NY person swept the Texas girl off her feet. The Texas girl was deep in love with the NY person. Would have done anything in the world for them… Once they decided to move to ATL and start a new life together things started to fall apart. The communication fail apart one thought they was given more than the other. They started to fight constantly and all faith in love was shriveled up and slowly withered away. Now could the situation have gotten better once the kinks were worked out? Yes. But when the one you love gives up on you there is no fixing the situation. You got to take the pain and keep it moving. My heart my never be 100% ever again but I am a much stronger person and I will be more cautions of who I give my heart to.

Thinking differently…

I had a real talk last night with one of the most unlikely person to get to me. It was tough love and I needed it.  I’m not a lost cause or hopeless. When you hit rock bottom you pick yourself up and you come back harder. That’s what I’m going to do…I fail off but I’m getting back on my horse and I’m going to put my foot in this thing. I was blindsided…stuck in sucker mode…deep in love with the idea of being in love. One thing that is 100% true love shouldn’t hurt and if it does you need to reevaluate the situation. When you find yourself crying over silly shit and feeling like you are less than a queen then it’s time to make moves. I’m a beautiful woman with a passion to be the best at whatever I do and that sprit was sucked from me because I was hit with so much negativity. It was coming from all over. I was getting it at home I was getting it from the family. Everywhere I turned someone had an opinion and no one had a solution. I regret nothing and have learned so much about myself in the last year. I can go into 2011 knowing I’m going to be in a much better place with doors opening for me. I’m going to do what I came down here to do. I’m so cool now and watch me blossom into the queen that I am!!!!

December 20, 2010

Today I am 32yrs old. I’m freshly single and trying very hard to keep my head up. I’m trying not to look at what could have been and what it really is. I’m not too excited about the holidays I guess that’s why I don’t care much about spending them alone. It sucks when you say I’m doing well and you really want to say shit sucks right now. All of a sudden my apartment is looking too big. My eyes are constantly filling up with tears and my body is feeling the stress from lack of sleep. Now I know this will soon get better with time but I need to feel better right now. I have so much to be happy and thankful for and I can’t seem to grasp that and enjoy it. My head and my heart is someplace else and it makes everything good seem non-existent. I would give anything for this feeling to go away and I can continue with life as normal. I would give anything to really enjoy my birthday. I’m really trying to get back into my zone but every day that passes it gets harder and harder. I use to be optimistic thinking that things will get better on its own but I’m starting to realize I’m going to have to put work in. Time heals all wounds and pain does fade away with time but I seem to have too much of that right now.

Had a moment...

I had a moment last night where I felt like I couldn’t make it. My heart hurt so badly and the tears flowed uncontrollably. I was alone and shaking. I think God for my Guardian Angel (Kali). If it was not for her I would have laid there all night beating myself up because I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Yes my relationship failed because I couldn’t give her what she needed 100% but I can’t carry that full burden around with me. It comes a time where you have to accept responsibility for your own actions. You can’t always blame other people for the position that you’re in. 9 times out of 10 you’re in a bad position because of the choices that you made. You can’t continue to treat people like they are just a tool to get to the next step in your life. One day you’re going to have to sit down and accept responsibility for what you have done to others. In your mind you are always right because you are honestly selfish. She said I never considered her feelings and what she was going through. If that was true I would have walked out the day she called me out my name. I wouldn’t have tried to fix everything that she had a problem with. I wouldn’t have held all my hurt in. I would have walked out the door the first time I packed my things. I listen to everything she had to say and God knows I tired. My best was never good enough and then caring all that pain around knowing I was working towards nothing made it even worst.  She walked out on me and left me with $4.00. It was mint to be an insult but honestly it was a lesson learned. My heart may never fully heal from this but it will teach me how to just be alone. That was the best advice I could have been given. I don’t need to have someone on my side to be completed. I can complete myself.  

Caught off gaurd...

I was hoping that my life was going to get better but it got worst. I refuse to let this set back bring me down. I been down for to damn long. Dealing with self-steam issues. Listening to someone tell me I'm not good enough and I don't do nothing right. I cried many nights. Holding all the things in I wanted to say in fear of being alone in a new place. Now I realized it wasn't worth it. I should have closed this door along time ago. The good thing is she closed it for me and she can no longer hurt me. When she walked out she lost all her power she had over me. Yes I'm still alone and I cry myself to sleep at night because I did love her. I hold on to the truth in my heart knowing I didn't do nothing intentionally to hurt her. It's one thing to be a stand up woman and it's another to intentionally try to hurt someone. When you intend to cause someone else pain it's going to come back to you. So I always try to treat others they way I want to be treated even if they treat me badly. SOOOO...I wish her the best and hope she has a safe trip home. I want her to know I'm thankful for the 4 dollars she left me and the letter. I want to say thank you for the tears and the sleepless nights. Thank you for the laughter and the happy moments. I'm happy this book has closed and we never have to cross paths again. I once asked you to make me hate you and you accomplished that hands down!!!!

Is it all in my head...

Been doing a lot of thinking and I think I’m going to give talking to someone professional about this break up. Normally I’m able to just shake it off in time but this is really hard for me. This was something different. I saw myself spending the rest of my life with this person. I saw myself having kids and buying a home. I moved to another State for this relationship and everywhere I look down here reminds me of the life I wanted to have with her. I’m really torn apart and on top of all that my family is not helping. I use to have a close relationship with my mother but because of my relationship with Melissa we are no longer talking. So I’m stressed all across the board and I’m trying to just stay positive and not let it get to me but deep down inside I feel like I’m drowning. I try not to think too deeply into the situation but somehow I find myself right back to where I started.

The way she use to love me...

My life has been so empty for so long,
no one to love or call my own.
I patiently waited for that time to come,
To share this special with someone.

Until you came from the mist, unexpectedly,
Taking me as I am and accepting me.
You filled the emptiness that laid inside,
releasing me form my bitterness and pride.

We shared endless moments together,
questioning if the feelings were true,
Not realizing how fast time had flew.
The time had come for me to part and go away,
The words goodbye I had refused to say.

I am now miles away from the one I love,
things are so different, but your still all I think of.
A day seems like year and a month feels like forever,
I think about the times we spent, and THAT
I will always treasure.

Your soft brown eyes that made me shy away,
your cute little smile that brightened my day.
Your gentle touch that gave me chills,
and your whole body in itself that gave
me thrills.

I'll wait patiently until we can touch again,
but i am now more satisfied because you
are more than just my friend.
To bring back those moments, and to
finally see your smile,
And hope that things will remain the same
for a while.

My feelings for you are now stronger than before,
and your love is something I will not ignore.
See now, a part of you has grown in me,
I love you always and forever it will be
--
Melissa D. Vaughn

I'm ok...

Still standing and watching the tears fall from my eyes. It hurt so bad that I have become numb to the pain. I don’t know what I did to deserve to be put through this type of pain but I don’t know what it takes to get out. I’m going to take some me time and work on me. I’m going to work on the things that I don’t like about myself and take charge of my life again. I let my hurt talk for me and I let my heart make decisions for me. I guess this was my wake up call. This was Gods way of showing me that not all people are meant to be in my life. I need to stop and take a long hard look at all the people around me and find out who is significant and who is not. I was over whelmed with emotion this morning. I was fueled with anger and hurt and frustration. I didn’t understand how something that I loved and cared about so much could just fall apart and be the worst experience of my life. But something in that car came over me and said…let it go!!!! Just let go…and I instantly got a feeling of so much joy. All the anger and hurt was released in an instant. I’m going to be ok…in fact I’m going to be better then ok. I’m going to be blessed!

In living hell...

You ever just feel like you want to be alone? I mean really alone?  I don’t want to be bothered with nothing or nobody. I want my life to be silent. I want to come home and hear nothing and see nothing. I was hit with strong words last night. I have had maybe 30mins of sleep and my spirit is very low. I sometimes don’t think clearly at times like this but I feel like I have no choices. I’m sending my daughter back to Texas to live with my Mother and Father. I know this is going to have repercussions but I feel like my back is against the wall and it will be best for her to have a stable house hold. I’m just at the end of my rope. I’m about to tie it in a knot and call it quits…  

Take your time...

Ever wonder what it would feel like to be in a perfect relationship? I thought that’s what I had but I was in for a rude awaking when we started our life together in Atlanta. It has been more tears than anything else. It's hard to explain the heartache that has been endured since the move to Atlanta but I’m going to pour my heart out and just maybe someone can relate or understand.

When we first started talking it seem like we went together like peanut butter and jelly, but then again at the beginning of all relationships it feels that way. You just feel what’s on the surfs at first but when you start digging deep you realize that you are not on the same page at all. Their nagging becomes your headache and your shortcomings become their reason to leave you where you stand.  Now I’m not the one to give up, so naturally I submerge myself in what my partner needs from me. If it’s not hurting me then why not make changes to better each other as a whole? The thing I had to learn was the other person has to be willing to work with you just as much as you’re willing to work with them. It’s not always a 50/50 thing. Sometimes it’s a 70/30 thing someone has to be willing to give a little more so in the end you will balance each other out. I’m not married so obviously I have not mastered this relationship thing but every day is a new chance to turn things around.

I heard the words my soul needed yesterday. A stranger came up to me and asked me was I in need of prayer. Now normally I would have given a quick no or brushed him off but something in my sprit was telling me to just listen. “You achieve more by patience than by force.” Those simple words put me in a whole new frame of mind…

To be continued…